Under No Illusion by Paul Daniels

Whenever Debbie and I give a party for our envious showbiz pals in our beautiful riverside home with 12 acres of formal gardens and stunning woodlands, I think of how far I have come from my humble Yorkshire origins.

My Mum and Dad were brilliant at everything. We were very poor, mind, but we never complained about our lot. We loved our nigger brown door – you could use words like that back then and no one took offence. Happy days.

I became interested in magic at an early age when I took out a book on the subject from the library. I must give it back some time!!!!! It’s the way I tell ’em.

National Service made a man of me and taught me respect. The government should bring it back for the youth of today. Only for men, though. Soldiering isn’t for women or poofs.

I couldn’t get beyond kissing in my teens. But after I picked up a prostitute in Hong Kong there was no looking back and I had dozens of affairs throughout my unhappy marriage to Jackie. I guess I’m not small in all departments. D’you geddit? Small!

All this time I was doing the clubs in the evening and working for the council in the day. It was tough but worth it, as everyone agreed I was the best magician in the world. Well, nearly everyone. The odd person didn’t understand what I was doing; they’ve probably gone on to be big in BBC light entertainment!!!

In the early 70s, I decided to concentrate on show BUSINESS rather than SHOW business and it soon paid off. I’m very, very rich now and I’m great to my family. I even let my brother, Trevor, drive my Ferrari sometimes. It does sadden me, though, that some people have said they couldn’t work with me because I was a conceited know-all.

Throughout the 70s, my TV career took off and in 1979 we began the first of FIFTEEN series of the Paul Daniels Show. You heard me, FIFTEEN. It was here that I met a petite, lithe dancer called Debbie. She didn’t fancy me at first but I took her on a boat and tidal waves of passion soon followed. Tidal waves. Geddit?

We’re a great team. Apart from my son, whose problems are absolutely nothing to do with me, life is great and I could give you anecdote after anecdote of my amusing showbiz lifestyle. In fact, I will.

And if you really are pressed: The digested read, digested…

Magician’s autobiography that ought to have been sawn in half and made to disappear. Will you like it? Not a lot.